if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
