Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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