Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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