Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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