woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
