pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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