I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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