I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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