In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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