You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
