just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You left your underwear on the fireplace
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize