Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize