proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
