He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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