Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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