We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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