I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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