home. puking in laundry basket.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
