saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
