let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
