ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
