Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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