Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
