Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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