Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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