Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
