The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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