Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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