apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
