Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
