meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
