So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
