I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
