why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
