I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
