you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
