My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
