I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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