Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize