the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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