yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
