i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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