everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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