All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
