Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
