cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
