Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
