dude i'm inner monologue high
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize