Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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