I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
