I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
