Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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