I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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