is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize