happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
