I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
