i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
