Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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