I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
