I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
