I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
