Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
