im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
