where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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