Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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